When children go silent: Why parents must listen before correcting

The account of a Grade 9 learner whose desk reportedly remains empty as her classmates continue with their examinations has left me deeply unsettled. As a parent and a teacher, I read the account with a heavy heart. It forces me to confront difficult questions about the relationships we build with our children.

What happens when communication breaks down within a family? Do our children understand correction as an expression of love, or do they sometimes experience it as rejection? Equally important, are we creating homes where children feel safe enough to tell us the truth, even when they have made mistakes?

The reported disappearance of this learner is a painful reminder that behind every school desk is a child with dreams, fears, friendships, ambitions and emotions that adults may not always understand.

Although the circumstances surrounding the disappearance remain unverified, the account offers an opportunity for families, schools and communities to reflect on how we raise, discipline and protect our children.

The immediate concern is the learner’s safety. Her family deserves compassion and support, not speculation or premature conclusions about what happened. Yet the incident also invites us to examine the delicate relationship between parental authority, adolescent independence and the need for open communication.

When a disagreement becomes a crisis

According to the account circulating, the learner’s mother discovered her chatting on Facebook late at night and confiscated her phone following a disagreement.

The next day, the learner reportedly remained at home while the rest of the family attended church. When they returned, she was missing.

We cannot conclude that the disagreement caused her disappearance. Nevertheless, the account raises an uncomfortable question: How do we handle conflict within our homes before ordinary disagreements develop into emotional barriers?

Parents have a responsibility to establish boundaries, guide behaviour and protect their children from harm. Excessive nighttime phone use, neglect of schoolwork and potentially dangerous online relationships warrant parental intervention.

Children must also understand that freedom comes with responsibility and that not every restriction is an attack on their independence.

However, the manner in which correction is administered matters. When discipline becomes humiliating, threatening or excessively punitive, a child may concentrate more on the pain of punishment than on the lesson intended.

Some respond with defiance; others withdraw into silence. A child may appear obedient while privately struggling with anger, fear or confusion.

This is not an argument against discipline. Rather, it is a call for discipline that teaches instead of intimidates, restores rather than alienates, and protects without diminishing a child’s dignity.

The ultimate goal of parenting is not simply to secure obedience but to nurture sound judgement, self-control and accountability.

One of the most demanding aspects of parenting is learning to listen without rushing to condemn.

We expect children to obey instructions, explain themselves respectfully and accept correction. Yet how often do we give them the opportunity to explain what they are experiencing?

Adolescence is a period of significant emotional, social and psychological development. Young people increasingly seek independence, acceptance among their peers and a sense of belonging.

They may struggle to express complicated emotions or appreciate the long-term consequences of decisions made in moments of distress.

Psychological research has examined the relationship between family conflict, adolescent independence and runaway behaviour.

A review by T. D. Crespi and R. M. Sabatelli explored family relationships and adolescent runaway behaviour, highlighting the importance of understanding conflict within the wider family context.

Such research does not establish why this learner is missing, nor does it suggest that a disagreement with a parent inevitably drives a child away from home. It reminds us that young people’s behaviour can have complex causes that require careful investigation and understanding.

Sometimes a child needs correction. At other times, the child needs to be heard before any correction can be effective. Often, both are necessary.

A parent can begin a difficult conversation with a simple question: “Help me understand what happened.”

Asking a child what they felt during a disagreement or how a similar situation could be handled differently creates room for reflection.

Listening does not mean surrendering authority. It means gathering understanding before deciding how best to guide a child.

Communication must also be reciprocal. Children need to learn to express disagreement respectfully, tell the truth and seek help when overwhelmed.

Parents, in turn, must demonstrate that honesty will be met with guidance rather than automatic humiliation or rejection.

Trust grows when children know they can admit a mistake without losing their sense of belonging.

Guiding children through the dangers of the digital world

Technology has transformed childhood. Through the internet, learners access educational resources, maintain friendships and explore opportunities beyond their immediate surroundings.

However, digital platforms can also expose them to cyberbullying, manipulation, inappropriate content, online grooming and individuals whose intentions are difficult to establish.

UNICEF’s guidance on parenting adolescents emphasises supportive relationships, respectful communication and positive discipline.

These principles are particularly relevant in a digital environment where children may encounter situations they are not emotionally or intellectually prepared to navigate.

The solution cannot simply be to demonise technology. Nor should parents assume that confiscating a phone will resolve every problem associated with its use.

Restrictions may be necessary, but they should form part of a broader conversation about safety, trust, time management and responsible online behaviour.

Families need clear, age-appropriate rules governing screen time, nighttime phone use, sharing personal information and communicating with strangers.

Parents should familiarise themselves with the platforms their children use, while helping them recognise suspicious interactions and understand the dangers of sharing private information.

Above all, children must know that they can approach a trusted adult when an online relationship becomes uncomfortable, someone pressures them to keep secrets, or they make a mistake online.

Fear of punishment should never become a barrier to seeking protection from exploitation or abuse.

Effective digital parenting requires more than surveillance. It demands guidance, appropriate supervision, digital literacy and a relationship in which a child feels safe enough to disclose troubling experiences.

Our society frequently speaks about respect, discipline, responsibility and moral uprightness. Yet values cannot survive on slogans alone.

They must be reflected in how adults communicate with children, resolve disagreements and treat one another.

We cannot demand respectful language from young people while humiliating them when they make mistakes. Neither can we expect children to exercise restraint if the adults around them respond to conflict with anger, threats or degrading language.

Families, schools, churches, mosques and other community institutions have a shared responsibility to nurture character.

Religious teachings can reinforce compassion, honesty, self-control and respect, but these principles must also be demonstrated in everyday relationships.

Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

This wisdom does not require parents to avoid difficult conversations. Rather, it reminds us that the way we communicate can either calm a conflict or intensify it.

Gentleness is not weakness, just as firmness does not require cruelty.

A parent can maintain boundaries without humiliating a child. A learner can disagree without becoming disrespectful.

When mistakes occur, accountability should be accompanied by an opportunity to learn, make amends and rebuild trust.

Building homes where children feel safe

Healthy communication should not begin only when a child has broken a rule.

Regular, meaningful conversations allow parents to understand their children’s friendships, fears, ambitions and everyday experiences before a crisis develops.

Interest in a child’s emotional wellbeing should be as important as concern about academic performance and behaviour.

Disciplinary measures should be proportionate, consistent and free from violence or humiliation.

If a phone has been misused, reasonable restrictions can be accompanied by an explanation of the risks involved and clear conditions for restoring privileges.

The consequence should address the behaviour without destroying the relationship.

Children, too, must learn that anger does not justify dangerous decisions.

When disagreements become overwhelming, they should be encouraged to seek help from a trusted relative, teacher, counsellor or another responsible adult.

Running away from a difficult situation can expose a child to further danger, even when the desire to escape feels urgent.

Schools also have an important role to play. Teachers may notice changes in attendance, concentration, friendships or behaviour that indicate a learner is struggling.

Such changes should prompt supportive conversations and appropriate referrals rather than immediate condemnation.

Strong partnerships between schools and families can help identify difficulties early and ensure that children receive the support they need.

When a child goes missing, the priority must be immediate action to establish their whereabouts and safety.

Families should promptly report the disappearance to the police and work with the relevant child-protection authorities.

Community members should share verified information responsibly and avoid rumours, speculation or accusations that could deepen a family’s distress.

Parenting is not a contest of authority. It is the responsibility of preparing another human being to make sound decisions, recognise danger and seek help when life becomes difficult.

Children must learn to listen, accept correction and take responsibility for their choices.

Adults, however, must also be willing to examine their methods, acknowledge when they have spoken harshly and apologise when necessary.

Parental authority becomes more meaningful when accompanied by consistency, trust, empathy and affection.

As the learner’s classmates continue their examinations, the reported empty desk reminds us that education is about more than completing syllabuses and attaining grades.

Every learner is a life deserving of protection, understanding and hope.

Academic achievement means little if we overlook the emotional and social wellbeing of the children entrusted to our care.

Let us hope that this learner is found safe and reunited with her family.

Meanwhile, the account should prompt every parent and teacher to reflect honestly on the relationships we are building with our children.

Are they merely hearing our instructions, or are they also being heard? Do they understand the consequences of their choices, and do they know where to turn when they are afraid?

The strongest families are not those without disagreements. They are those that learn to resolve disagreements without making love, safety and belonging feel conditional.

Sometimes, the most important conversation in a home is not the one in which a parent delivers a lesson.