- Ashford Kimani explores the emotional realities of growing old, urging adult children to support their parents with dignity, respect and compassion.
- He argues that aging parents want to remain independent, heard and valued even as they increasingly rely on their children.
- The article calls on Kenyan families to strengthen relationships through presence, shared responsibility and mutual respect.
In Kenya, the relationship between parents and children is often built on sacrifice. Many parents raised large families on modest incomes, paid school fees through hardship, sold livestock, borrowed money, cultivated small farms, worked long hours and repeatedly placed their children’s needs above their own.
Their greatest hope was that education and hard work would give their children a better life. Yet, as these parents grow older, a difficult transition begins: the people who once provided protection, authority and direction increasingly require support from the children they raised.
This reversal of roles is emotionally complex. Aging parents may need help with healthcare, finances, transport, household responsibilities or major decisions, but needing assistance does not necessarily mean they are ready to surrender their independence. Growing old may change a person’s physical abilities, but it does not erase their identity, wisdom, preferences or right to make choices about their own lives.
For adult children—especially those living and working far from home—understanding this distinction is essential.
One of the most important things aging parents want their children to understand is that growing old does not mean becoming useless. A parent may walk more slowly, forget certain details or require help navigating technology, but age does not diminish the experiences that shaped them or the knowledge they have accumulated over a lifetime. Yet, in many Kenyan homes, adult children begin speaking to elderly parents as though they have become children. They issue instructions, dismiss opinions and make important decisions without consultation.
A son may decide that his father must leave the rural home and move to Nairobi. A daughter may take control of her mother’s money without fully explaining how it will be managed. Such actions may be motivated by love and concern, but they can leave an elderly parent feeling displaced, powerless and excluded from his or her own life.
Support should never become domination. There is a profound difference between saying, “Mum, how can we make this easier for you?” and saying, “Mum, this is what we have decided for you.” Aging parents may welcome assistance, but they also want to remain active participants in decisions that affect their lives. They want help that preserves their dignity rather than care that quietly takes away their voice.
Why presence matters more than money
They also want their adult children to understand that loneliness can sometimes be more painful than physical weakness. Many Kenyan families assume that sending money is equivalent to caring. Financial support is important, particularly when older parents depend on their children for medication, food, household expenses and other basic needs. But money cannot replace presence.
An elderly parent may receive M-Pesa every month and still feel forgotten. What they may long for is a phone call that is not rushed, a visit that is not connected to a funeral, Christmas celebration or family emergency, or a conversation that goes beyond asking, “How are you?” before quickly ending the call.
Sometimes the more meaningful questions are, “What has been happening in the village?” “How are your neighbours?” or “Tell me about your childhood.” Older parents often want to be heard—not merely checked on. They want to know that their stories still matter, their memories are valued and their lives remain important to the people they raised.
This is particularly significant because many Kenyan adult children now live far from their ancestral homes. Employment, education and economic opportunity have scattered families across counties and continents. A parent may remain in Murang’a, Kitui, Kisii, Kakamega or Nyeri while their children build lives in Nairobi, Mombasa, Nakuru or abroad. Distance is sometimes unavoidable, but emotional absence is not.
Technology has made it possible to maintain contact across great distances. A regular phone call, a video conversation or a simple message can reassure an aging parent that they have not been left behind. What matters is not only how often children communicate, but whether they listen with patience and genuine interest.
The importance of honest family conversations
Another difficult truth is that aging parents may fear becoming a burden. Some hide illness because they do not want to worry their children or interfere with their careers and family responsibilities. Others endure pain quietly, postpone hospital visits or conceal financial difficulties. They may say they are fine even when they are struggling because they do not want to appear needy.
Yet silence can turn manageable problems into crises. Families should therefore discuss health, care preferences, finances and practical arrangements before an emergency forces difficult decisions upon them. Such conversations should not be treated as signs of impending death or invitations to take control of a parent’s property. They are acts of responsibility and preparation.
Adult children should create an environment in which their parents can speak honestly without feeling guilty. Questions about health should not sound like interrogations. Conversations about money should not immediately create suspicion that children are waiting to control property. The purpose should be preparedness, transparency and mutual trust—not surveillance or control.
Land, inheritance and preserving dignity
In Kenya, the question of aging is often complicated by land and inheritance. For many elderly parents, land is far more than an economic asset. It represents identity, ancestry, security and the labour of an entire lifetime. It is where they raised their children, buried loved ones and established a sense of belonging.
Conflict often begins when adult children start treating a parent’s land as future property rather than recognising it as the parent’s present home and source of independence. An aging father or mother may feel deeply hurt when children begin discussing the subdivision, transfer or sale of land while the parent is still alive and capable of making decisions.
Such conversations can create the painful impression that an elderly person’s value has been reduced to what they will leave behind. Adult children must remember that inheritance is not a substitute for relationship. A parent should not have to fear that growing old will make them vulnerable to pressure, manipulation or dispossession.
At the same time, aging parents want their children to understand that they are still parents. Even when physically weaker, they may continue to worry about their children’s marriages, employment, finances and wellbeing. Their advice may sometimes seem outdated or unwelcome, but it often comes from a concern that has endured for decades.
Adult children do not have to obey every opinion or allow parents to control their lives. However, disagreement does not require humiliation. A parent can be heard respectfully even when the advice is not followed. The challenge is to establish healthy boundaries without treating age as a reason to dismiss or ridicule them.
The relationship must also become more reciprocal and realistic. Parents should not expect their adult children to abandon their own families, careers or financial stability to provide unlimited care. Caregiving can be physically, emotionally and financially demanding, particularly when one sibling carries most of the responsibility while others remain distant.
Families should share responsibilities fairly. One child may contribute financially, another may coordinate hospital visits, while another may provide regular companionship or assist with household needs. Care should not automatically become the burden of the daughter who lives closest to home, nor should one responsible child be expected to carry the entire weight while others remain absent.
Aging also does not erase complicated family histories. Some adult children carry wounds caused by harsh parenting, neglect, favouritism, emotional distance or unresolved conflict. Respect for aging parents should not require pretending that painful experiences never occurred. Compassion and healthy boundaries can coexist. Adult children may choose to care for their parents without accepting continued emotional abuse or sacrificing their own wellbeing.
Helping parents age with respect and compassion
Ultimately, aging parents want something simple but profound: to remain visible. They want to be respected without being feared, supported without being controlled, consulted without being dismissed and remembered before a crisis occurs.
The Kenyan value of utu—human dignity—should guide how families respond to aging. Our parents once held our hands when we could not walk, stayed awake when we were sick and made sacrifices we may never fully understand. They carried us through seasons when we had little power to care for ourselves. As the balance of care changes, our responsibility is not merely to keep them alive. It is to help them grow old with dignity, belonging, security and the enduring assurance that they still matter.
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The greatest gift adult children can offer aging parents may not be money, property or expensive medical care. It may be the simple but powerful assurance: “You are still part of our lives. Your voice still matters. You are not a burden. We are here—not only because you need us, but because you are our parent.”
By Ashford Kimani
Ashford Kimani is a teacher of English and Literature who writes on education and social affairs.
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