Parents, wake up: We are losing the battle for our

Violent behaviour among young people often develops after warning signs, emotional struggles and behavioural changes go unnoticed.
Parents must understand their children’s friendships, digital lives and struggles while teaching accountability, self-control and respect for others.
Astiba Kebongo explains why the battle for children’s character must be fought at home long before the courtroom.

A child does not wake up one morning and suddenly become violent. Somewhere along the way, warning signs were missed, conversations were postponed, values were compromised and behaviour was normalised.

That is why the disturbing cases of young people appearing in court over rape, assault, arson, stabbing and other violent offences should shake every parent out of complacency.

When children turn against their classmates, fight over relationships, threaten one another with violence or even attack their own parents, we must stop asking only, “What crime did this child commit?”

We must also ask:

What happened to this child before the crime? Who was listening? Who was guiding? Who was watching?

This is not an attempt to excuse criminal behaviour. Far from it. Young people must learn that their actions have consequences and that another person’s life, dignity and safety are sacred.

But prevention must begin long before the courtroom.

Parents, do you know your child?

We have become very good at providing material things for our children, but sometimes terribly poor at knowing them.

We know the school they attend. We know their examination results. We know whether they have paid their fees.

But do we know their friends?

Do we know what they watch online?

Do we know who they are talking to late at night?

Do we know what makes them angry?

Do we know whether they are struggling with rejection, peer pressure, relationships, pornography, bullying or loneliness?

Parenting is not merely providing. Parenting is knowing.

Parents must become students of their own children.

Watch changes in behaviour. Listen to unusual conversations. Notice unexplained aggression, secrecy, withdrawal, cruelty or obsession with violent content.

Do not wait until the police arrive at your doorstep before you start asking questions.

The internet has brought the world into our living rooms

Our children are growing up in a world where a smartphone can expose them to almost anything.

The parent may be sitting in the same room, yet the child’s mind may be somewhere completely different.

Violence, sexual content, humiliation, dangerous challenges, online predators and the glorification of criminal behaviour can find their way into our homes through a screen.

This does not mean parents should become detectives who invade every aspect of their children’s privacy. It means we must become responsible digital parents.

Know the platforms your children use. Set age-appropriate boundaries. Discuss what they encounter online. Teach them that not everything that is popular is healthy and not everything that is entertaining is harmless.

Most importantly, talk to them rather than merely taking away their phones.

Teach children how to handle anger

Anger is human. Violence is a choice.

Our children must learn that being insulted does not require revenge. Rejection does not justify assault. Jealousy does not give anyone ownership of another human being. A broken relationship does not give permission to destroy another person’s life.

Young people can learn to pause.

They can walk away.

They can seek help.

They can communicate.

They can forgive.

They can ask for counselling.

They can learn self-control.

Psychologist John Gottman, whose work on emotional intelligence and parenting has emphasised the importance of helping children understand and regulate emotions, demonstrates why parents must not simply punish emotional outbursts; they must teach children how to manage the emotions behind them.

That lesson cannot be left entirely to schools.

Guidance and counselling must enter our living rooms.

What does the Bible say?

Scripture speaks powerfully about self-control, anger and parental responsibility.

James 1:19–20 urges us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Proverbs 22:6 reminds parents to train children in the right way.

Ephesians 6:4 calls upon parents to bring up their children through discipline and instruction.

And Galatians 5:22–23 lists self-control among the fruits of the Spirit.

These are not outdated principles.

A young person who learns self-control is better equipped to handle provocation, rejection, temptation and conflict without becoming destructive.

Parents cannot outsource parenting

Schools have teachers, counsellors and administrators.

Churches have pastors, youth leaders and mentors.

Communities have elders and other social structures.

Government has children’s officers, law enforcement agencies and child-protection mechanisms.

But no institution can completely replace a parent.

The Kenyan Children Act, 2022 places important responsibilities on parents, including providing moral and social guidance and protecting children from neglect and abuse.

That responsibility should make every parent uncomfortable enough to ask:

Am I raising a child who merely knows how to pass examinations, or a young person who knows how to live responsibly?

When your child gets into trouble

This is where love must become wiser.

When a child is accused of a crime, parents should protect the child’s legal rights and ensure that due process is followed. Legal representation is not itself a failure.

But there is a dangerous mistake we must avoid.

A lawyer can defend a child’s legal rights; a parent must confront the child’s behaviour.

Do not teach your child that money, influence or a clever defence means there are no consequences.

Do not attack the victim simply because the accused is your child.

Do not turn every wrongdoing into someone else’s fault.

If your child has done wrong, help them face the truth, accept appropriate consequences, seek counselling and rebuild their character.

The greatest parental failure is not hiring a lawyer.

The greater failure is using every available means to rescue a child from accountability without addressing the behaviour that brought them to court in the first place.

Religious organisations and communities must step up

The church, mosque and other faith communities cannot limit their role to weekend worship.

Young people need spaces where they can openly discuss relationships, sexuality, anger, peer pressure, social media, temptation, forgiveness and responsibility.

Communities must also stop treating violent behaviour as something that happens only in other families.

It can happen in any home.

We need mentors.

We need responsible adults who can speak into the lives of young people.

We need stronger family conversations.

We need schools and parents working together rather than blaming each other when things go wrong.

Young people, your emotions do not have to control you

To our young people, hear this:

You can control your anger.

You can control your desires.

You can walk away from bad company.

You can reject destructive online trends.

You can survive heartbreak.

You can ask for help.

You can say, “I need to talk to someone.”

Never allow one angry moment to destroy a future that has taken years to build.

A moment of rage can create a lifetime of regret.

Parents, make time

Perhaps the most important intervention is also the simplest:

Make time for your children.

Sit with them.

Eat together.

Talk.

Listen without immediately judging.

Ask difficult questions.

Correct them when necessary.

Praise good character, not just good grades.

Teach respect.

Teach empathy.

Teach the value of human life.

Teach them that masculinity is not violence and that strength is not the ability to intimidate others.

Teach them that love is not possession.

Teach them that disagreement does not require destruction.

And when you see something worrying, do not look away.

Our children need parents who are present enough to notice when something is changing.

The time to intervene is before the courtroom

Let us not wait for the courtroom to introduce us to our children’s behaviour.

Let us not wait for a police officer to tell us what we should have noticed.

Let us not wait for a victim to suffer before we begin asking questions.

Character is built at home long before it is tested outside the home.

Parents, this is our clarion call.

Wake up.

Know your children.

Know their friends.

Know their digital world.

Know their struggles.

Talk to them.

Correct them.

Counsel them.

Pray with them.

Model the behaviour you expect from them.

And love them enough to hold them accountable.

Because the greatest gift we can give the next generation is not wealth, property or academic certificates.

It is the ability to know right from wrong, control their emotions, respect human life and choose responsibility even when nobody is watching.

Parents, the battle for our children’s character is being fought now—not tomorrow, not in the courtroom, but in our homes.

Astiba Kebongo
jackiekebongo@gmail.com

Tags: Parenting, Children, Parents, Youth, Child Discipline, Character Development, Digital Parenting, Counselling, Education,

Parents, wake up: We are losing the battle for our children’s character

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Violent behaviour among young people often develops after warning signs, emotional struggles and behavioural changes go unnoticed. Parents must understand their children’s friendships, digital lives and struggles while teaching accountability, self-control and respect for others. Astiba Kebongo explains why the battle for children’s character must be fought at home long before the courtroom.