- Hillary Muhalya warns students against allowing romantic disappointment to destroy their education and future.
- He argues that jealousy, rejection and relationship breakdowns should never become excuses for violence or revenge.
- Muhlaya urges universities, parents and students to prioritise counselling, emotional resilience and responsible relationships.
A young Kenyan leaves home for college or university carrying far more than a suitcase, clothes and admission papers. Behind that student is a mother who has sacrificed household needs, a father who has worked long hours to pay fees, siblings watching closely and relatives who contributed to make the dream of higher education possible.
In many villages, the admission of one young person to university is celebrated as a family victory.
But sometimes, that dream walks into a campus and gets swallowed by romance, jealousy, betrayal and rivalry.
Across Kenya, romantic rivalry, love triangles, suspected infidelity and bitter relationship breakdowns have featured in a succession of disturbing incidents involving students and young people. Some have reportedly escalated into violent confrontations and deaths, while others have left students emotionally devastated, families traumatised and communities divided.
Kenya does not have readily available national statistics specifically measuring campus love triangles. It would therefore be misleading to attach a precise prevalence figure to the phenomenon. But the repeated appearance of romantic rivalry in serious incidents reported over the years points to a problem that deserves far more attention than it receives.
The issue is not that students fall in love. The issue is what happens when love turns into possession, disappointment turns into rage and heartbreak becomes an excuse for destruction.
University and college years are supposed to be among the most productive periods of a young person’s life. They offer an opportunity to acquire knowledge, develop professional skills, discover talents, build networks and prepare for economic independence.
Yet some students become so consumed by relationships that the very purpose of their education begins to disappear.
When relationships overshadow education
Lectures are missed because of relationship conflicts. Assignments are neglected because of emotional turmoil. Examination preparation gives way to endless arguments. Social media becomes a battlefield of accusations, photographs and messages. Friends become investigators. Classmates take sides. Hostel rooms become scenes of confrontation.
A student who arrived on campus determined to build a career can suddenly spend more time monitoring a partner’s movements than building a future.
And when the relationship collapses, the consequences can be devastating.
A partner leaves. Someone discovers suspected infidelity. A former lover begins dating somebody else. A romantic rival appears. A private disagreement becomes public on social media.
For an emotionally unprepared young person, rejection can feel like humiliation, betrayal and personal failure.
That is where romantic disappointment can become dangerous.
The words, “If I cannot have you, nobody will,” should never be mistaken for evidence of love. They are a warning sign.
Love does not give anybody ownership of another person.
A boyfriend can leave. A girlfriend can leave. People can fall out of love. Someone can choose another partner. A relationship can end even after years of promises.
It hurts, but heartbreak is not a licence for revenge.
The tragedy is that the consequences of a campus love dispute rarely remain confined to the people involved.
When violence occurs, parents may receive the most devastating phone call of their lives. A family that spent years paying fees may suddenly be arranging hospital treatment, visiting a police station or identifying a body.
The pain then travels back to the village.
In many Kenyan communities, educating a child is a collective undertaking. Parents sell livestock, borrow money, sacrifice household comforts and sometimes depend on relatives and neighbours to keep a student in school.
The child therefore carries an entire family’s hopes.
When that child is killed, seriously injured, imprisoned or forced to abandon education because of a relationship dispute, an entire family investment is damaged.
The mother loses a child.
The father loses the future he was financing.
Siblings lose a role model.
Friends lose a companion.
The village loses a young person expected to return with knowledge, skills and a better economic future.
This is why romantic rivalry in colleges and universities should not be dismissed as “young people’s drama”.
It can become a student-welfare issue, a security issue and, in the most serious cases, a public-safety issue.
Keep your purpose in sight
Students must therefore learn an essential distinction: having a relationship is not the same as making the relationship your entire life.
There is nothing wrong with healthy companionship. A supportive relationship can provide friendship, encouragement and emotional stability. But no relationship should consume the education that brought the student to campus.
Students should enter higher education with a clear personal mission.
What qualification do I want?
What career am I preparing for?
What skills must I acquire?
What professional networks should I build?
What kind of person do I want to become by graduation?
These questions should remain more powerful than temporary romantic excitement.
Campus years are limited. A degree or diploma may take several years, but its benefits can last a lifetime.
A relationship can end tomorrow.
Your education remains.
A lover can walk away.
Your skills remain.
A romantic rival can disappear from your life.
But the consequences of a criminal conviction, permanent injury, death or abandoned education may never disappear.
Students also need to understand that rejection is part of life. Not everyone they love will love them back. Not every relationship will end in marriage. Not every promise made at 20 will survive into adulthood.
Maturity is learning to accept this without losing one’s dignity.
When heartbreak becomes overwhelming, seeking counselling is not weakness. Talking to a parent, trusted friend, lecturer, religious leader or professional counsellor can prevent emotional pain from becoming destructive behaviour.
Universities and colleges also have a responsibility. Counselling services should be accessible, confidential and adequately supported. Students experiencing stalking, threats, harassment or relationship violence should have clear channels for reporting and obtaining protection.
Parents, too, must recognise that sending money for fees is only one part of raising an adult. Young people need conversations about relationships, rejection, emotional resilience, sexuality, money, peer pressure and responsible decision-making.
Social media makes this even more urgent. Private relationship disputes can become public within minutes. A photograph, message or rumour can spread across a campus before emotions have cooled. Public humiliation can intensify private anger.
Students therefore need digital discipline alongside academic discipline.
Your future is bigger than heartbreak
Most importantly, they need perspective.
You did not leave home to become somebody’s possession. You left home to become somebody.
Build your knowledge.
Build your skills.
Build your character.
Build professional relationships.
Build your confidence.
Build a future your family can be proud of.
Love may become part of that journey. It should never destroy the journey.
The most painful irony is that some young people lose sight of the sacrifices behind their education when they become consumed by romantic disappointment.
They forget the parent who struggled to pay fees. They forget the sibling who looks up to them. They forget the village that celebrated their admission. They forget the career they dreamed about before they ever met the person who eventually broke their heart.
No relationship is worth forgetting all that.
Do not return home in handcuffs because of jealousy. Do not return home in a coffin because of heartbreak. Return with the certificate. Return with the skills. Return with dignity.
The campus gate should be the beginning of a future, not the entrance to a battlefield over love.
A failed relationship should never become a failed life.
A broken heart can heal.
A lost semester can sometimes be recovered.
A failed relationship can be survived.
But a life lost to romantic rivalry cannot be restored.
The message to students must therefore be uncompromising: love responsibly, accept rejection maturely, seek help when overwhelmed and never allow romantic disappointment to destroy the future your family sacrificed to give you.
Your education is bigger than your heartbreak.
Your future is bigger than your disappointment.
And your life is infinitely more valuable than any romantic rivalry.
By Hillary Muhalya
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