- Ashford Kimani examines why demands for sex or money too early can undermine trust in new relationships.
- He argues that attraction and generosity should never be confused with entitlement, obligation or proof of affection.
- Healthy relationships, he says, need time for people to understand character, establish boundaries and develop mutual trust.
A lady meets a man today, and before they have even had the opportunity to know each other properly, he is already suggesting sex. Conversely, a man meets a lady today, and almost immediately she is asking him to send her money. The speed may be different in expression, but the underlying question is the same: Why are we expecting so much from people we have only just met?
Modern dating has increasingly become a strange negotiation between attraction, expectations, money and intimacy. People can meet for the first time at a social gathering, at work, online, through friends or even by chance, and within hours one party may already be making demands that traditionally would have required trust and familiarity.
The man who quickly wants sex may argue that he is simply attracted to the woman. Attraction itself is perfectly natural. The problem begins when attraction is treated as entitlement. Seeing someone, liking them and finding them physically attractive does not automatically create an obligation to become sexually intimate. A person can be interested in another person while still respecting the time required to establish trust, compatibility and mutual consent.
Consent is not a reward for buying dinner, paying transport or showing affection. Neither is it something that becomes automatically available because two adults have flirted. It must remain voluntary and mutual.
When money enters too soon
On the other side is the woman who meets a man today and almost immediately asks him for money. Again, there may be genuine circumstances behind the request. Perhaps she has an urgent need. Perhaps asking for financial assistance is normal in her social environment. But when financial expectations appear before meaningful acquaintance has developed, the relationship can quickly become transactional.
The man may begin wondering whether he is being valued for who he is or for what he can provide. If every new romantic connection is immediately associated with financial requests, generosity can easily become confused with obligation.
This creates an uncomfortable symmetry. One person may be saying, “I have just met you, but I want access to your body.” The other may be saying, “I have just met you, but I want access to your money.” Both situations raise the same fundamental issue: boundaries.
A healthy relationship does not begin with an invoice or an entitlement. It begins with curiosity. Who is this person? What are their values? How do they treat people? What do they believe about relationships? Are they honest? Are they emotionally mature? Can they communicate? Do they respect boundaries?
These questions take time to answer.
Dating should not be confused with an immediate exchange of commodities. Human beings are not products on a shelf where someone chooses what they want and expects instant delivery. Intimacy, emotional connection and financial trust develop differently for different people.
Technology and instant familiarity
There is also a generational and technological dimension to this problem. Social media and dating applications have made it easier to meet people but, paradoxically, sometimes harder to get to know them. A profile photograph can create instant physical attraction. A few messages can create a false sense of familiarity. Someone may feel that because they have chatted for several hours, they already know the other person.
They do not.
Meeting someone is the beginning of knowledge, not the completion of it.
The pressure for immediate gratification can also produce unnecessary disappointment. A man who expects sex immediately may interpret refusal as rejection, even when the woman is simply exercising her right to take things slowly. A woman who expects money immediately may interpret refusal as stinginess, even when the man is reasonably uncomfortable giving money to someone he barely knows.
Both interpretations can be unfair.
There is nothing inherently wrong with sexual attraction. There is also nothing inherently wrong with helping someone financially. The problem is prematurity and expectation—particularly when one person’s desire is treated as another person’s responsibility.
People should therefore learn to distinguish between asking and expecting. You can ask, but the other person must be free to say no without punishment, insults or manipulation.
This applies equally to both men and women.
A man should be able to say, “I like you, but I would rather get to know you first.” A woman should be able to say, “I am attracted to you, but I am not ready for sex.” Likewise, a woman should be able to decline financial assistance without being labelled materialistic, while a man should be able to say, “I am not comfortable sending money to someone I have just met,” without being called cheap.
Give relationships time
Perhaps the real lesson is simple: slow down.
Not every attraction needs to become sexual immediately. Not every connection needs to become financial immediately. Sometimes the most mature thing two people can do after meeting is simply talk, laugh, observe and learn about each other.
Trust cannot be downloaded. Character cannot be established in one conversation. Genuine affection cannot be measured by the speed at which someone gives money or offers sex.
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When two people meet for the first time, they owe each other basic respect—not immediate access.
Take your time. Get to know the person. Let attraction grow into understanding, and let generosity grow out of trust. Some things become more valuable precisely because they are not demanded too soon.
By Ashford Kimani
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Caption: A man and woman spend time together during a date. Ashford Kimani argues that new relationships should be given time to develop trust and understanding before expectations involving intimacy or money take over. Photo/Courtesy
