Respect isn’t automatic. Not in families. Not over time. You can love your parents—and still find it hard to look up to them.
I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count. Parents who truly believed they were doing their best, only to realise, years later, that their children had quietly created emotional distance. Not because they didn’t care, but because somewhere along the way, respect began to erode.
Here are 12 things parents often do – without even realising it – that make it hard for their children to respect them later in life.
- Preaching values they don’t live by.
“Be honest,” they say – while lying to others.
“Be kind” – but they’re rude to strangers.
“Treat people with respect” – yet gossip behind closed doors.
Children notice the gap between what is said and what is done. Over time, they begin to trust the actions, not the words. And when there’s a mismatch, respect fades.
- Never admitting when they’re wrong.
Some parents believe that saying “I was wrong” weakens their authority. But in truth, it builds trust. Refusing to acknowledge mistakes teaches children that being right matters more than being honest. Accountability earns respect. Denial breeds resentment.
- Using guilt to control behavior.
“If you really loved me, you’d do this.”
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
These aren’t lessons in love – they’re emotional traps. Children learn to obey out of guilt, not understanding. And over time, that emotional burden chips away at the relationship. Love should never feel like a debt.
- Controlling every decision.
From clothes and hobbies to friendships and career paths – some parents micromanage their child’s entire life. It may come from a place of protection, but it often leads to rebellion or self-doubt. Children don’t respect parents who never let them grow into their own person.
- Dismissing their emotions.
“You’re too sensitive.”
“There’s nothing to cry about.”
These statements don’t build strength. They silence kids. When parents invalidate emotions, they teach their children to distrust their inner world. That emotional shutdown turns into distance – and eventually, disconnection.
- Always being ‘the authority,’ never the example.
Respect can’t be demanded – it must be modelled. Saying “because I said so” might win obedience in the moment, but it doesn’t foster long-term admiration. Children need to see fairness, patience, and humility in action. Authority without relationship invites quiet rebellion.
- Constantly comparing them to others.
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
“Other kids are doing better.”
Comparisons don’t motivate – they shame. They make children feel like they’ll never measure up. And no child truly respects someone who constantly makes them feel small.
- Publicly shaming or mocking them.
What feels like a joke to a parent can feel like humiliation to a child – especially when done in front of others or online. Teasing, sarcasm, and public “discipline” might gain attention but lose trust. Respect thrives in private affirmation, not public embarrassment.
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- Prioritising image over connection.
Some parents care more about how their child looks to the world than how they feel at home. They push grades, trophies and appearances – while neglecting connection and emotional well-being. Children who feel used to uphold a parent’s image struggle to respect them deeply.
- Never showing vulnerability.
Parents who act bulletproof may seem strong – but often feel distant. Children don’t need perfect role models. They need real ones. Saying “I’m having a tough day too” builds trust. Vulnerability isn’t weakness – it’s a doorway to authentic connection.
- Making love feel conditional.
When affection is tied to performance – “I’m proud of you because you got an A” – children learn that love must be earned. They start to believe that failure means unworthiness. Over time, this creates performance anxiety and emotional distance. Love should be a safe space, not a scoreboard. School grades must never determine love for your child.
- Refusing to apologize for past mistakes.
Some parents refuse to acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused, believing that time will heal it or that admitting fault weakens them. But unspoken wounds don’t disappear – they harden. A sincere apology can do what years of silence cannot. Children don’t need perfect parents, but they need honest ones.
Respect doesn’t grow from fear.
It doesn’t flourish in silence.
It isn’t something we’re owed because of our title as “parent.”
It grows from consistency. From humility. From love that is unconditional and leadership that is real.
Even the best parents will make mistakes. But the ones their children respect the most are the ones who are willing to own those mistakes – and grow from them. That’s what builds respect that lasts long after childhood ends.
Ashford teaches English and Literature in Gatundu North Sub-County, where he serves as a Dean of Students.
By Ashford Kimani
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