Parenting is one of the jobs where you start with no training, no manual and no clear feedback until years later when the child is grown – and by then, the lessons you wish you had known earlier stare you in the face. Psychology has, for decades, studied the patterns that shape children into confident, healthy adults, yet most parents only learn the most important truths far too late. The cost of this delay is often measured in missed moments, avoidable conflicts and a more profound sense of “if only I had known.” These lessons, however, are not reserved for the lucky few; they can be put into action now, regardless of where one is in the parenting journey.
One of the first truths many parents discover late is that perfection is not only impossible but also harmful when pursued relentlessly. The drive to get everything “right” often creates unnecessary stress, fuels guilt and turns parenting into a tense performance rather than a genuine relationship. Children do not need flawless parents—they need human ones. They learn more from seeing how you handle mistakes than from watching you try to avoid them at all costs. Psychology refers to this as “modelling adaptive coping,” and it demonstrates to children that failure is a natural part of life, rather than a verdict on their worth.
Another common realisation is that overprotection backfires. In the name of love, many parents shield children from every possible challenge, setback or discomfort. While the instinct to protect is natural, children who never face age-appropriate difficulties can grow up lacking resilience and problem-solving skills. Developmental psychologists emphasise that manageable adversity—things like losing a game, resolving a school conflict, or failing a test—helps children build emotional “muscles” that will serve them for a lifetime. It is far better for them to learn how to handle small storms while you are still there as a safe harbour than to face their first thunder in adulthood without any tools.
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Closely linked to resilience is the ability to listen more and lecture less. Many parents believe that explaining rules, giving advice, and sharing wisdom are their most important tasks. While guidance is crucial, constant talking without deep listening can make children feel unheard and less likely to open up. Active listening—reflecting their feelings, asking open-ended questions, and resisting the urge to offer solutions immediately—strengthens trust. This trust is the foundation that ensures children will still talk to you when the stakes are higher, such as during adolescence or adulthood.
Psychology also reveals a hard truth: your child’s happiness is not your sole responsibility. Trying to make them happy all the time can rob them of the ability to generate their joy and navigate sadness. Emotions, both positive and negative, are an integral part of life, and children need to learn how to regulate their feelings rather than avoid them. Your role is to provide a stable, loving environment where they can safely experience, express, and process those emotions—not to curate a perfectly happy existence. Over time, this builds emotional intelligence, a far more valuable skill than constant cheerfulness.
Perhaps one of the most painful realisations is how quickly time passes. In the early years, the days can feel endless—sleepless nights, messy kitchens, tantrums—but looking back, parents often say it all went too fast. The small moments, from bedtime stories to shared jokes in the car, turn out to be the memories that matter most. Being present—putting down the phone, stepping away from work emails, and engaging fully—may sound simple. Yet, in a distracted world it requires conscious effort. Mindfulness research supports this: attention and presence not only deepen bonds but also enhance the wellbeing of both parents and children.
Boundaries, too, are something parents often wish they had established earlier. Boundaries are not walls that shut children out; they are frameworks that help them feel secure and supported. Setting limits around behaviour, technology use, chores, and respect teaches children about structure and consequences. At the same time, respecting their autonomy—allowing them to make confident choices and learn from the outcomes—honours their growing individuality. The balance between guidance and independence is delicate but essential.
Finally, many parents come to see that love is best expressed consistently through actions rather than words alone. Telling a child “I love you” is powerful, but backing that statement with reliability, patience, shared time, and support in difficult moments embeds the message deeply. Consistency builds trust, and trust becomes the soil in which healthy self-esteem grows. Children who know they can depend on you, even when they have made mistakes, are more likely to approach the world with confidence and openness.
These lessons may seem obvious in hindsight, yet in the day-to-day whirlwind of parenting, they are easy to overlook. The good news is that awareness can come at any stage. Even if your children are already teenagers or adults, applying these principles—admitting mistakes, loosening overprotection, listening more, releasing the pressure to guarantee happiness, being present, setting healthy boundaries, and showing love through consistent action—can still transform the relationship. The earlier they are embraced, however, the richer and less regret-filled the parenting journey becomes. Psychology offers the map, but it is up to each parent to take the first step before time quietly folds away those fleeting, formative years.
By Ashford Kimani
Ashford teaches English and Literature in Gatundu North Sub-County and serves as Dean of Studies.
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